When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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