call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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