You made me cry and you don't even care
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
