I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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