So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
