Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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