an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize