just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
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