I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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