If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
