At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
