My Higher Power is John Stamos
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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