I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
where am i from again
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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