so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Someone stole a lamp last night.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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