Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
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