Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
