Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
