Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
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