Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
