I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
