i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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