Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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