So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
