if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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