I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
