Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
