I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
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