How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
