You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
