I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
