Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
