This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
