Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
All the doctor said was why
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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