I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
