i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
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I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
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