he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
