I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
