so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
