Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
