I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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