Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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