Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
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