My liver just broke up with me...
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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