Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
