There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
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