i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'