I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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