I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
