Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
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