Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
How does it feel to date your dad?
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize
