Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
