the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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