Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
