I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
