party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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