The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
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You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
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Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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