I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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