I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
