Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
